Trying to stay focused

In June, I wrote about being risk averse and about taking a huge risk and really, if I were honest, I guess I should admit that  while I tend to be very risk averse, I am sometimes averse to thinking some decisions through before I take them. All of the people who think I over think things, don't usually realize that I over analyze things, agonize about options but jump into something at the very last minute without actually thinking about it. I was telling a friend the other day that when I have two options, no matter which way I go, I will regret the decision for a few days and then get used feel happy about  the option that I picked. This is a problem, and yes, it happens because I over think every thing to death and I analyze every single advantage and disadvantage to each decision. Anyway, I'm bringing this up because I've had to make a decision and I've had people asking me how I've decided and I feel like a broken record saying, "I haven't made up my mind yet". It is an understatement to say that I'm bad at making decisions. Anyway all this thinking and decision making has made me ignore other important areas of my life. I moved a week ago and I still haven't unpacked. Most of my kitchen stuff is still in several boxes and its getting more and more difficult to find clothes to wear out of the several boxes, but I'm so consumed with weighing the pros and cons of the options available to me, that everything else has taken second place.

Paris Hilton loses cellphones on plane to Manila

And that, was a headline in my AP news app. Since when does Paris
Hilton make news headlines for losing her cellphone? After the Paris
Hilton sex tape, the Paris Hilton driving troubles now its a cellphone? What's next on
my AP app? Paris Hilton gets her nails done? And did you know she has
fans??How do these things happen? Who wants to be a fan of Paris Hilton?
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In the summertime the weather is fine. You can stretch your hands and touch the sky

Its raining cats and dogs (read severe thunder storm) and for once I'm
without my trusty green umbrella in my purse. And for once I decided
not to dash out madly in the rain. Since I stopped in the library to
return my books, I stopped to potter around in the library and now I'm
stuck. There is no power but hey! my blackberry has been stepping up
lately. Without a TV and internet, my blackberry has been my go to for
email, blogging, Pandora, iheartradio, the news and the occasional
youtube video. When I first decided to get rid of my internet
connection at home I figured it would help me get over my Netflix addiction to
"Psych" (How could anyone not love Shawn and Gus and their antics). But, as always, you move from
one addiction to another and I have gone back to my old love: reading.
Except this addiction is worse, I don't eat, I don't sleep, I ignore
my chores and only do what is most essential. All I do is read one
book after another. Meanwhile, I've lost my appetite and eat maybe
once a day. Yesterday, I found my self eating a big bowl of frozen
yogurt just to increase my calorie intake to 1000 calories. Maybe, this
"go back to a simpler life" is not a policy that I should
embrace. I think its time to put down the book I'm reading. Move the
six books that are sitting on one side of my bed. Unpack all my stuff
from the move (its been 8 days and most of my things are in boxes. And
I'm getting tired of finding only blouses and tops and no pants or
skirts), set up my kitchen, get some groceries, cook healthy food, clean my car and take
some steps towards the next phase of my life.
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Bone tired and overwhelmed

But still managed to smile and laugh, make jokes and be a good dinner
companion. I put my game face on today but moving is a minor form of
torture. Esp so when you realize that the house you are moving out of
is the best one in the complex. Thé usefulness of boyfriends during a
move is highly under appreciated.

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An insomniac talks

Why do my eyes always find you even though I don't want to look at you?
Why do your eyes seek me if you do not want to talk to me?
Why do I speak to you without even saying a word?
Why do I know you so well, even though you don't know me? 
Why do you want to know me if you do not need me?
Why did I find you, if you were never going to belong to me?
Why are you so far away even when you are right next to me?
Why are you standing next to me if that is not where you want to be?
Why did life give us this chance if we were never meant to be?
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Me too

Everybody is vulnerable. Apparently so am I. So much for thinking I am
made of steel. I wonder if it is necessarily a bad thing.

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The dog days are here

And I don't just mean literally. Have you ever felt that you wished
you could scrape your skin off you? Or atleast the unshakable gloom
that's seemed to cover it ( I mean this figuratively, of course)?
Forget the searing heat that makes my poor AC work extra hard and
makes my skin feel like I am being lightly roasted. Nothing I seem to
do lately comes out right. All decisions made seem like bad decisions.
Food doesn't seem appealing except in a vague, uninteresting way.
Everything seems to be in a standstill as if awaiting further orders.
And I feel like I am slowly walking blindfolded through a narrow
corridor filled with dozens of obstacles. Not for the first time I
feel like I'm around to listen to friends and acquaintances talk to me
about all their little problems only to suddenly disappear when I have
things I would like to talk about. And for once I wish there was
someone who could understand the language I speak. Mostly I have a
simmering anger that is directed at atleast three people and me. For
the past few months there has been an unending spate of drama in my
life. Oh, nothing hysterical and noisy. Just wave after wave of quiet
surprises (and not of the nice kind) that keeps knocking me off my
feet, giving me sleepless nights and making me want to hit something
really, really hard. And while I know this is a phase. I'd like to
know when it would end. I'm starting to feel decidedly neurotic.

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