Why do my eyes always find you even though I don't want to look at you?
Why do your eyes seek me if you do not want to talk to me?
Why do I speak to you without even saying a word?
Why do I know you so well, even though you don't know me?
Why do you want to know me if you do not need me?
Why did I find you, if you were never going to belong to me?
Why are you so far away even when you are right next to me?
Why are you standing next to me if that is not where you want to be?
Why did life give us this chance if we were never meant to be?
--
Sent from my mobile device
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Me too
Everybody is vulnerable. Apparently so am I. So much for thinking I am
made of steel. I wonder if it is necessarily a bad thing.
made of steel. I wonder if it is necessarily a bad thing.
--
Sent from my mobile device
The dog days are here
And I don't just mean literally. Have you ever felt that you wished
you could scrape your skin off you? Or atleast the unshakable gloom
that's seemed to cover it ( I mean this figuratively, of course)?
Forget the searing heat that makes my poor AC work extra hard and
makes my skin feel like I am being lightly roasted. Nothing I seem to
do lately comes out right. All decisions made seem like bad decisions.
Food doesn't seem appealing except in a vague, uninteresting way.
Everything seems to be in a standstill as if awaiting further orders.
And I feel like I am slowly walking blindfolded through a narrow
corridor filled with dozens of obstacles. Not for the first time I
feel like I'm around to listen to friends and acquaintances talk to me
about all their little problems only to suddenly disappear when I have
things I would like to talk about. And for once I wish there was
someone who could understand the language I speak. Mostly I have a
simmering anger that is directed at atleast three people and me. For
the past few months there has been an unending spate of drama in my
life. Oh, nothing hysterical and noisy. Just wave after wave of quiet
surprises (and not of the nice kind) that keeps knocking me off my
feet, giving me sleepless nights and making me want to hit something
really, really hard. And while I know this is a phase. I'd like to
know when it would end. I'm starting to feel decidedly neurotic.
you could scrape your skin off you? Or atleast the unshakable gloom
that's seemed to cover it ( I mean this figuratively, of course)?
Forget the searing heat that makes my poor AC work extra hard and
makes my skin feel like I am being lightly roasted. Nothing I seem to
do lately comes out right. All decisions made seem like bad decisions.
Food doesn't seem appealing except in a vague, uninteresting way.
Everything seems to be in a standstill as if awaiting further orders.
And I feel like I am slowly walking blindfolded through a narrow
corridor filled with dozens of obstacles. Not for the first time I
feel like I'm around to listen to friends and acquaintances talk to me
about all their little problems only to suddenly disappear when I have
things I would like to talk about. And for once I wish there was
someone who could understand the language I speak. Mostly I have a
simmering anger that is directed at atleast three people and me. For
the past few months there has been an unending spate of drama in my
life. Oh, nothing hysterical and noisy. Just wave after wave of quiet
surprises (and not of the nice kind) that keeps knocking me off my
feet, giving me sleepless nights and making me want to hit something
really, really hard. And while I know this is a phase. I'd like to
know when it would end. I'm starting to feel decidedly neurotic.
--
Sent from my mobile device
Monday, July 18, 2011
What dreams may come
For as long as I can remember, I have had weird, bizarre dreams that have no connection with my everyday life. When I was studying in school ( a private catholic school that had a sister school just across from its playground), I used to dream about a Church that was located just across the playground, where the other school actually stood. Night after night I would have dreams of stepping into a huge, dark church which always seemed to have a musty smell about it. In my dreams, I was always alone and every single time I was assailed with a sense of fear, of being watched by some kind of a malevolent presence, which seemed weird to me, because aren't Churches supposed to be safe?. In my dream, I was always terrified and would rush out, always into the same courtyard, surrounded by the same rooms with windows painted green and I was always assailed by the sense of that malevolent presence watching me through one of those windows. I think for a while those dreams gave me an irrational fear of walking into a church alone (a fear which I have now happily overcome, especially since I have not been to any church that gave me a creepy feeling). Before every major exam, my anxiety would give me dreams of failing in the exam. And oh, my most recurring nightmare during school (I used to have recurring dreams too, mysterious ones but that's another story) was that of me showing up in school bottomless. Well, not entirely bottomless, I think I used to have my underwear on but no school uniform skirt. Thankfully, I don't get those nightmares anymore and thankfully those never came true. I always managed to show up at school with my entire a school uniform on.
Throughout my life though I have had dreams about people and incidents that had no connection with me at all. One night I had a dream that fighter planes were bombing the Pakistan / Afganistan border and the next day I woke up to news that the US had started missile strikes in Afghanistan hoping to find Osama Bin Laden. If that wasn't scary enough, early one December morning in 2004 a few days before I was scheduled to leave India for the US (to go to graduate school), I had a dream that I was on the Marina Beach in Chennai running for my life while being chased by a giant wave (I say chased because it was literally chasing me - the wave did not crash to the ground and the perfect curl was maintained the whole time), I remember a feeling of fear, of thinking that there was no way I could outrun the wave. A few hours later, I woke up and went into the living room to find my parents watching TV showing images of the devastation caused by the 2004 tsunami in the Indian ocean. Sun TV showed the images from the Marina Beach all day. And all day long we watched the scary images of the marina beach, reading about the early morning walkers and fishermen who had lost their lives. While my dreams are by no stretch of imagination prophetic, the aforementioned dreams have given me a healthy wariness of my dreams. Mostly my dreams are inconsequential, for instance, the past few weeks I have been dreaming of a large elephant standing below my balcony and looking at me while I sit at my desk in my living room. Last night however, I had a dream about a doctor inserting a needle through my neck. This is probably a good reminder that I am scheduled for a biopsy tomorrow. Now I am the worlds biggest coward. I am terrified of many many things and needles are one them. Scary procedures at the doctor, another one. There was a time when I wouldn't even go to a doctor or get a blood test by myself. It is a testimony to how far I have come in mental strength (possibly as a result of living by myself) that I am calm and zen like about my impending procedure tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, when I first heard the doctor suggesting I get a biopsy of neck and I found out exactly how said biopsy would be done, I freaked out in my head. A needle. Inserted. Down my neck. And I had to stay still the whole time. Stay still. For close to 25 minutes. Dear God! Slowly though,I started thinking of other things, such as the reason I was getting it done and a possible outcome (every possible outtcome has a distinct probability) and suddenly reminded of my own mortality.Something I had never really considered and it forced me yet again understand that life is so ephemeral. Everything that we have, everything we do, is for now. I keep putting things off for tomorrow but what if there was no tomorrow? Thankfully, like everything else in life, fear and morbid thoughts are fleeting too. And I realized that I've actually grown up. I'm not shaking in fear at the thought of my appointment tomorrow. In my dream I was completely disoriented, I couldn't hold my head up and I couldn't feel anything while the nurse guided the needle inside my neck. And since the event hasn't happened yet, there was no sound, no feeling so I cannot tell you how it ended. But I still feel a minor sense of accomplishment, no I have not won the Nobel Prize for literature yet but I have not let any fear rule my life. Maybe it means that I know what not to waste time worrying about or maybe I've just grown up and become a real adult or maybe I have balls of steel (figuratively of course) but either way I
feel happy that I'm handling it myself without needing any hand holding (although that would be nice) and without giving into any dramatic hysteria. Maybe there is hope for me yet.
Throughout my life though I have had dreams about people and incidents that had no connection with me at all. One night I had a dream that fighter planes were bombing the Pakistan / Afganistan border and the next day I woke up to news that the US had started missile strikes in Afghanistan hoping to find Osama Bin Laden. If that wasn't scary enough, early one December morning in 2004 a few days before I was scheduled to leave India for the US (to go to graduate school), I had a dream that I was on the Marina Beach in Chennai running for my life while being chased by a giant wave (I say chased because it was literally chasing me - the wave did not crash to the ground and the perfect curl was maintained the whole time), I remember a feeling of fear, of thinking that there was no way I could outrun the wave. A few hours later, I woke up and went into the living room to find my parents watching TV showing images of the devastation caused by the 2004 tsunami in the Indian ocean. Sun TV showed the images from the Marina Beach all day. And all day long we watched the scary images of the marina beach, reading about the early morning walkers and fishermen who had lost their lives. While my dreams are by no stretch of imagination prophetic, the aforementioned dreams have given me a healthy wariness of my dreams. Mostly my dreams are inconsequential, for instance, the past few weeks I have been dreaming of a large elephant standing below my balcony and looking at me while I sit at my desk in my living room. Last night however, I had a dream about a doctor inserting a needle through my neck. This is probably a good reminder that I am scheduled for a biopsy tomorrow. Now I am the worlds biggest coward. I am terrified of many many things and needles are one them. Scary procedures at the doctor, another one. There was a time when I wouldn't even go to a doctor or get a blood test by myself. It is a testimony to how far I have come in mental strength (possibly as a result of living by myself) that I am calm and zen like about my impending procedure tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, when I first heard the doctor suggesting I get a biopsy of neck and I found out exactly how said biopsy would be done, I freaked out in my head. A needle. Inserted. Down my neck. And I had to stay still the whole time. Stay still. For close to 25 minutes. Dear God! Slowly though,I started thinking of other things, such as the reason I was getting it done and a possible outcome (every possible outtcome has a distinct probability) and suddenly reminded of my own mortality.Something I had never really considered and it forced me yet again understand that life is so ephemeral. Everything that we have, everything we do, is for now. I keep putting things off for tomorrow but what if there was no tomorrow? Thankfully, like everything else in life, fear and morbid thoughts are fleeting too. And I realized that I've actually grown up. I'm not shaking in fear at the thought of my appointment tomorrow. In my dream I was completely disoriented, I couldn't hold my head up and I couldn't feel anything while the nurse guided the needle inside my neck. And since the event hasn't happened yet, there was no sound, no feeling so I cannot tell you how it ended. But I still feel a minor sense of accomplishment, no I have not won the Nobel Prize for literature yet but I have not let any fear rule my life. Maybe it means that I know what not to waste time worrying about or maybe I've just grown up and become a real adult or maybe I have balls of steel (figuratively of course) but either way I
feel happy that I'm handling it myself without needing any hand holding (although that would be nice) and without giving into any dramatic hysteria. Maybe there is hope for me yet.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
fields of blue
Colors. Colors from my memories. Memories of the first time we met. Of the first time we touched. Of the first time we spoke. Of the first time we sat together. Of the first question you asked me. Or the first secret I told you. Of the first time you walked by me, as if I wasn't standing there. As if you didn't know me. Of the first time I stayed away from you. The first time I walked away from you. The first time you made me smile. That first time when you looked into my eyes. The first time I wanted to tell you everything. Those were memories. My memories of you. Now, I only have those memories. Memories of blue and green and green and gold. If only I had more.
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