Trying to stay focused

In June, I wrote about being risk averse and about taking a huge risk and really, if I were honest, I guess I should admit that  while I tend to be very risk averse, I am sometimes averse to thinking some decisions through before I take them. All of the people who think I over think things, don't usually realize that I over analyze things, agonize about options but jump into something at the very last minute without actually thinking about it. I was telling a friend the other day that when I have two options, no matter which way I go, I will regret the decision for a few days and then get used feel happy about  the option that I picked. This is a problem, and yes, it happens because I over think every thing to death and I analyze every single advantage and disadvantage to each decision. Anyway, I'm bringing this up because I've had to make a decision and I've had people asking me how I've decided and I feel like a broken record saying, "I haven't made up my mind yet". It is an understatement to say that I'm bad at making decisions. Anyway all this thinking and decision making has made me ignore other important areas of my life. I moved a week ago and I still haven't unpacked. Most of my kitchen stuff is still in several boxes and its getting more and more difficult to find clothes to wear out of the several boxes, but I'm so consumed with weighing the pros and cons of the options available to me, that everything else has taken second place.

Paris Hilton loses cellphones on plane to Manila

And that, was a headline in my AP news app. Since when does Paris
Hilton make news headlines for losing her cellphone? After the Paris
Hilton sex tape, the Paris Hilton driving troubles now its a cellphone? What's next on
my AP app? Paris Hilton gets her nails done? And did you know she has
fans??How do these things happen? Who wants to be a fan of Paris Hilton?
--
Sent from my mobile device

In the summertime the weather is fine. You can stretch your hands and touch the sky

Its raining cats and dogs (read severe thunder storm) and for once I'm
without my trusty green umbrella in my purse. And for once I decided
not to dash out madly in the rain. Since I stopped in the library to
return my books, I stopped to potter around in the library and now I'm
stuck. There is no power but hey! my blackberry has been stepping up
lately. Without a TV and internet, my blackberry has been my go to for
email, blogging, Pandora, iheartradio, the news and the occasional
youtube video. When I first decided to get rid of my internet
connection at home I figured it would help me get over my Netflix addiction to
"Psych" (How could anyone not love Shawn and Gus and their antics). But, as always, you move from
one addiction to another and I have gone back to my old love: reading.
Except this addiction is worse, I don't eat, I don't sleep, I ignore
my chores and only do what is most essential. All I do is read one
book after another. Meanwhile, I've lost my appetite and eat maybe
once a day. Yesterday, I found my self eating a big bowl of frozen
yogurt just to increase my calorie intake to 1000 calories. Maybe, this
"go back to a simpler life" is not a policy that I should
embrace. I think its time to put down the book I'm reading. Move the
six books that are sitting on one side of my bed. Unpack all my stuff
from the move (its been 8 days and most of my things are in boxes. And
I'm getting tired of finding only blouses and tops and no pants or
skirts), set up my kitchen, get some groceries, cook healthy food, clean my car and take
some steps towards the next phase of my life.
Sent from my mobile device

Bone tired and overwhelmed

But still managed to smile and laugh, make jokes and be a good dinner
companion. I put my game face on today but moving is a minor form of
torture. Esp so when you realize that the house you are moving out of
is the best one in the complex. Thé usefulness of boyfriends during a
move is highly under appreciated.

--
Sent from my mobile device

An insomniac talks

Why do my eyes always find you even though I don't want to look at you?
Why do your eyes seek me if you do not want to talk to me?
Why do I speak to you without even saying a word?
Why do I know you so well, even though you don't know me? 
Why do you want to know me if you do not need me?
Why did I find you, if you were never going to belong to me?
Why are you so far away even when you are right next to me?
Why are you standing next to me if that is not where you want to be?
Why did life give us this chance if we were never meant to be?
--
Sent from my mobile device

Me too

Everybody is vulnerable. Apparently so am I. So much for thinking I am
made of steel. I wonder if it is necessarily a bad thing.

--
Sent from my mobile device

The dog days are here

And I don't just mean literally. Have you ever felt that you wished
you could scrape your skin off you? Or atleast the unshakable gloom
that's seemed to cover it ( I mean this figuratively, of course)?
Forget the searing heat that makes my poor AC work extra hard and
makes my skin feel like I am being lightly roasted. Nothing I seem to
do lately comes out right. All decisions made seem like bad decisions.
Food doesn't seem appealing except in a vague, uninteresting way.
Everything seems to be in a standstill as if awaiting further orders.
And I feel like I am slowly walking blindfolded through a narrow
corridor filled with dozens of obstacles. Not for the first time I
feel like I'm around to listen to friends and acquaintances talk to me
about all their little problems only to suddenly disappear when I have
things I would like to talk about. And for once I wish there was
someone who could understand the language I speak. Mostly I have a
simmering anger that is directed at atleast three people and me. For
the past few months there has been an unending spate of drama in my
life. Oh, nothing hysterical and noisy. Just wave after wave of quiet
surprises (and not of the nice kind) that keeps knocking me off my
feet, giving me sleepless nights and making me want to hit something
really, really hard. And while I know this is a phase. I'd like to
know when it would end. I'm starting to feel decidedly neurotic.

--
Sent from my mobile device

What dreams may come

For as long as I can remember, I have had weird, bizarre dreams that have no connection with my everyday life. When I was studying in school ( a private catholic school that had a sister school just across from its playground), I used to dream about a Church that was located just across the playground, where the other school actually stood. Night after night I would have dreams of stepping into a huge, dark church which always seemed to have a musty smell about it. In my dreams, I was always alone and every single time I was assailed with a sense of fear, of being watched by some kind of a malevolent presence, which seemed weird to me, because aren't Churches supposed to be safe?. In my dream, I was always terrified and would rush out, always into the same courtyard, surrounded by the same rooms with windows painted green and I was always assailed by the sense of that malevolent presence watching me through one of those windows. I think for a while those dreams gave me an irrational fear of walking into a church alone (a fear which I have now happily overcome, especially since I have not  been to any church that gave me a creepy feeling). Before every major exam, my anxiety would give me dreams of failing in the exam. And oh, my most recurring nightmare during school (I used to have recurring dreams too, mysterious ones but that's another story) was that of me showing up in school bottomless. Well, not entirely bottomless, I think I used to have my underwear on but no school uniform skirt. Thankfully, I don't get those nightmares anymore and thankfully those never came true. I always managed to show up at school with my entire a school uniform on.
Throughout my life though I have had dreams about people and incidents that had no connection with me at all. One night I had a dream that fighter planes were bombing the Pakistan / Afganistan border and the next day I woke up to news that the US had started missile strikes in Afghanistan hoping to find Osama Bin Laden. If that wasn't scary enough, early one December morning in 2004 a few days before I was scheduled to leave India for the US (to go to graduate school), I had a dream that I was on the Marina Beach in Chennai running for my life while being chased by a giant wave (I say chased because it was literally chasing me - the wave did not crash to the ground and the perfect curl was maintained the whole time), I remember a feeling of fear, of thinking that there was no way I could outrun the wave. A few hours later, I woke up and went into the living room to find my parents watching TV showing images of the devastation caused by the 2004 tsunami in the Indian ocean. Sun TV showed the images from the Marina Beach all day. And all day long we watched the scary images of the marina beach, reading about the early morning walkers and fishermen who had lost their lives. While my dreams are by no stretch of imagination prophetic, the aforementioned dreams have given me a healthy wariness of my dreams. Mostly my dreams are inconsequential, for instance, the past few weeks I have been dreaming of a large elephant standing below my balcony and looking at me while I sit at my desk in my living room. Last night however, I had a dream about a doctor inserting a needle through my neck. This is probably a good reminder that I am scheduled for a biopsy tomorrow. Now I am the worlds biggest coward. I am terrified of many many things and needles are one them. Scary procedures at the doctor, another one. There was a time when I wouldn't even go to a doctor or get a blood test by myself. It is a testimony to how far I have come in mental strength (possibly as a result of living by myself) that I am calm and zen like about my impending procedure tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, when I first heard the doctor suggesting I get a biopsy of neck and I found out exactly how said biopsy would be done, I freaked out in my head. A needle. Inserted. Down my neck. And I had to stay still the whole time. Stay still. For close to 25 minutes. Dear God! Slowly though,I started thinking of other things, such as the reason I was getting it done and a possible outcome (every possible outtcome has a distinct probability) and suddenly reminded of my own mortality.Something I had never really considered and it forced me yet again understand that life is so ephemeral. Everything that we have, everything we do, is for now. I keep putting things off for tomorrow but what if there was no tomorrow? Thankfully, like everything else in life, fear and morbid thoughts are fleeting too. And I realized that I've actually grown up. I'm not shaking in fear at the thought of my appointment tomorrow. In my dream I was completely disoriented, I couldn't hold my head up and I couldn't feel anything while the nurse guided the needle inside my neck. And since the event hasn't happened yet, there was no sound, no feeling so I cannot tell you how it ended. But I still feel a minor sense of accomplishment, no I have not won the Nobel Prize for literature yet but I have not let any fear rule my life. Maybe it means that I know what not to waste time worrying about or maybe I've just grown up and become a real adult or maybe I have balls of steel (figuratively of course) but either way I
feel happy that I'm handling it myself without needing any hand holding (although that would be nice) and without giving into any dramatic hysteria. Maybe there is hope for me yet.

fields of blue

Colors. Colors from my memories. Memories of the first time we met. Of the first time we touched. Of the first time we spoke. Of the first time we sat together. Of the first question you asked me. Or the first secret I told you. Of the first time you walked by me, as if I wasn't standing there. As if you didn't know me. Of the first time I stayed away from you. The first time I walked away from you. The first time you made me smile. That first time when you looked into my eyes. The first time I wanted to tell you everything. Those were memories. My memories of you. Now, I only have those memories. Memories of blue and green and green and gold. If only I had more.

Taking time to breathe

It is a gorgeous day, here in Charlotte, NC. After several hours of ninety degree weather, the evening has brought with it some much needed rain and relief from the heat. It is almost 8:30pm and I am sitting in a lawn chair in my second floor balcony (first floor for those who live on the other side of the world), reveling in how large the balcony is (I live in a one bedroom apartment and my balcony is easily the best part. Of course the large closet, the huge bathroom and the almost floor to ceiling length windows in the living and dining area are pretty nice too. But the best part is the large balcony that faces the woods). The weekend has been slow and almost relaxing and I don't have my usual Sunday night blues. I have spent the better part of the last hour watching changing color of the evening. The sky very slowly darkened from a beautiful bright blue to a gorgeous gray with streaks of pink and orange from the setting sun to the eventual deep inky blue of the night. The various shades of green of the trees in the dense woods slowly changed into dark indistinguishable shapes looking like shadows cast by a master puppeteer sitting unseen somewhere high up in the sky, just to play with my mind and toy with my imagination.

The last traces of light have gone from the sky but the moon has not put in an appearance yet. It is far too cloudy to see any stars tonight. It is a typical muggy Carolina summer night; I am being bitten by bugs that I am not able to see, there are leaves (courtesy of the winds that accompany the summer rain) strewn all over my balcony (I should probably sweep the balcony one of these days), but the hour that I have spent out here has been the most peaceful and relaxing break I have had in the last month (or maybe longer). There are things to be done, laundry to be folded, mailed to be sorted, house to be cleaned, emails and phone calls to return, but at this moment, none of those matter. At this moment, I am the only person in the world and at this moment, this is the only place on earth. Before I finish the thought, the relative quiet of the night (I say relative because the sound of the air conditioning units is a constant accompaniment. And until several weeks ago, so were the sounds of the cicadas) is broken by the sound of  a car  pulling into a parking spot in front of my balcony. It's my downstairs neighbor, grumpy sort of a fellow. Always dresses the same and always has his head purposefully down even as I pull up into a parking spot, two feet away from where he usually is, smoking in his verandah (or deck). And I used to think that I was anti-social. I smile at everyone. Mostly.

If this were 20 years ago (when I was only 10 years old -gosh, I feel old just saying that), I would have been terrified at the sight of the dense thicket of trees. Even in the daytime (the fear of the unknown - God only knows what lurks within the woods), but now, the trees draw me to them, at all times of the day and night. I gone out to my balcony well past midnight, several nights, just to stand and stare at the trees (God only knows what mysteries lie behind those trees). Twenty years ago, I would have drawn the curtains before the sun set, so I would not have to look at something I was afraid of (Even though back then, I didn't know what it was that I was afraid of. Now, I know that it was just the fear of the unknown), now my shades are always open in the living and dining areas and I keep my bedroom shades open at night, so the sight of the dark shapes, gently swaying in the breeze can put me to sleep (Take that all ye cousins! All your "true stories" about ghosts in my backyard have not scarred me for life). In reality, nothing dramatic ever happens behind the thick curtain of trees, except for the occasional distant neighbor walking their dog. One time, when I pulled into my parking spot along the low wall separating the property from the woods, I heard a slight rustling sound. It was 2:00am and obviously there was no one else around. Luckily our property is well lit and there is a single lamp between the wall and the fence. As I waited and looked around, I saw a pair of shining eyes, looking out at me from the trees.I could make out the graceful outline of the deer, standing no more than three feet away from me, with their ears perked.waiting to see what I would do. I guess, they sensed that I was of no danger to them (they are probably used to people by now) and the gracefully loped away before I could whip out my handy cell phone camera to take a picture.

It is at times like these, when my mind and heart are at peace that the smell of the earth and color of the sky remind me that life is ephemeral.And beautiful. And that beauty can be found in most simple, unplanned moments. And that I have been truly blessed that I have been able to experience some of those elusive moments in my life.

I'm not inclined to resign to maturity

If anyone could ever be described as risk-averse in this world, it would me. I fit the description completely. And yet, against better judgement and common sense I go and make the biggest and riskiest move of my lifetime. The weird thing is, I am not even freaking out about it. Not yet anyway. Sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do. On the other hand, things were in motion for this event 3 years ago or quite possibly even 6 years ago. However, what is life, if you don't undertake a few risky ventures? No guts no glory, right? I hope so. On the other hand, its almost the weekend. And that is always a good reason to smile.

Yes, I'm Back in Black!

I love that blogging gives us an opportunity to talk about our lives, our issues and about people we deal with on a day to day basis under the cover of anonymity. But sometimes, to be anonymous, you have to leave out several things about yourself. In the past, I had not revealed much about myself or where I lived or what I did, just in case someone I knew in real life happened to read my blog. This time, I want to do things just a bit differently. While my name and some other personal details like where I work will not be revealed, I feel like I should be more open about where I live (Charlotte, North Carolina), what I do (Auditor with a Big Four - Big4 chicks are hot, Yo!) and other details that won't necessarily harm anyone.  Six and half years ago, when I first arrived in the States to go to grad school, I was still in my early- mid twenties, sweet, innocent, optimistic,bright eyed, bushy tailed and to paraphrase Jon Bon Jovi - My heart was like an open highway. Today, all of that has changed and yet nothing has changed. A few days ago I had an epiphany that I have been living vicariously and I figured that its high time that I grab life by its cajones. Realization they say, is the first step.

The blogger formerly known as "Glazed Donut"

No, really. That was my Blogger name 5 years ago. Glazed Donut. And I named my blog "Cake and Coke". Yes, you read that right. And no. I'm not kidding. In my defense, I love food, and I wanted my blog to reflect some of that. I mean I love cake and coke (the carbonated soft drink that is). Anyway, I had all of 2 readers. Both male. One who assumed that I had cast iron hands and the other who assumed I had a cast iron heart. FYI, both were wrong. Anyway, as time passed by, I decided to move onto something better and migrated my blogger blog (Cake and Coke) into Wordpress, albeit with a new title and a better name. At the time, I used my blog as a way to anonymously vent about the things in my life without naming names or embarrassing anyone (including myself) so, most posts, prominently featured my then boyfriend. 3 years later, things with him ended and there was no reason to bitch about him anonymously. I freely bitched about him to anyone who listened (mostly my friends and family) and all of them hated him on my behalf and ye olde blog became redundant. Nearly two years after said break-up, I've realized, how much I miss blogging. I've also realized that my old blog was not about that dude, it was about me. It was about the things I saw and heard. The things I read. The people I met. The things I ate. The places I went to and the things I did. And that is what this blog is going to be about, only more so than before and with none of that relationship angst and all of that philosophical and abstract thinking that I am given to.

I briefly thought about reviving and continuing in my old WordPress blog, but I wanted to move away from the person I was then and start afresh. And what other way to start than from your roots. Which is why I decided to come back to Blogger. And also because I didn't really like any of the current WP templates and I was able to customize the blogger background. I'm liking the Dusty Rose -Sage combination for now.  I also thought about changing my blog name because the few people who used to read my old blog (and will hopefully read my new one) probably associate me with who I was before. But I decided that I like the name and let my blog be the deciding factor on whether someone wants to read it or not. So, here I am. Same name (which I like by the way. It has a mysterious feel to it), different place, different attitude.

P.S: Sometimes, the things I write are easily understood only to me. For those who did not get it, the title refers to Prince, the musician. Who for a while changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol and was known as "The Artist formerly known as Prince.